Lake Girl
by Exquisite Defect
Summary: Jacob Black meets a pretty feisty girl. Hilarity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Twilight or Jacob or anything like that. I don't even own Kerri. She's a friend of mine. I do own Sylwia, though, because she's the Native American version of me and that's awesome.

This is meant to be funny.

It'd been a month since Bella, Jacob, and Edward stood together in the forest during the last scene of the New Moon movie. Embarrassingly rejected, Jacob sauntered home that night and had spent every single day since then with his pack, laughing and smiling as much as he could in order to cover up the excruciating hole in his life. On the one hand, he missed Bella to the point of forgetting why he didn't want to be around her now. On the other hand, he had so many reasons to detest her. Not only did she choose a blood-sucker, but she made it a point to tell Jacob just how little he mattered to her in comparison to said blood-sucker.

Thinking about it made him livid, and an angry Jacob wasn't good for anyone around him.

"Stop thinking about her!" Embry wanted to throw one of the giant muffins Emily made at his "brothers'" scowling face. These days it would take Jacob only a few minutes to go from enjoying his day with his wolf brothers, to moping about that vampire-loving little Emo girl, and frankly, everyone was really tired of it.

"You need to get out. You need to find a new girl, maybe one from the Quahana tribe," Sam contributed shortly to the conversation, before walking over to his fiancé and

Quil and Paul were wrestling outside in their wolf forms. One of them called the other a queer and from that conversation Jacob thought about the last queer he'd known – Edward Cullen – and that was where we found him today; in yet another angering flashback of that day in the forest and how badly that small and undeserving girl made him feel.

"I'll pass, thanks," he said, getting up from the kitchen table and walking outside quickly enough to morph into a wolf without getting in anyone's way, even that of the two wrestling wolves nearby.

It was a good thing that he'd left the house when he did, and in his wolf form, or else he would've missed her completely. If it wasn't for Bella being such an asshole and for his brothers not holding him in their arms while he cried like a little bitch, Jacob wouldn't have walked outside in the exact moment Kerri was bathing in the lake.

"Why are you bathing in the lake?" Jacob heard himself saying.

"Why are you naked?!" she asked right back at him, spitting her words like daggers to penetrate his luscious dark caramel skin.

Jacob looked at the strange girl and then down at the lower half of his own gorgeous body, his cheeks turning bright red since he was just a sixteen year old virgin and therefore easily embarrassed in awkwardly and randomly sexual situations with strange girls in lakes.

"I-" he was about to stutter, but when he looked back over to where she'd been a second ago, all he could see were ripples, and he could safely assume she'd either left the lake, or had ducked underwater to avoid any more anxious discomfort.

Transforming back into a wolf, he sprinted as his highest speed not back to Sam's house, but over to his own where he could metaphorically bury his head in the sand while really wanting to do it literally.

Their second encounter was going to be that night, and on some level, the both of them knew it. Kerri sat in her best friend's RV, allowing the paler Native American female braid Kerri's hair while she vented.

"And he was just standing there staring at me! Who does that?!"

The best friend, Sylwia, the most incredible and enchanting woman of the Quahana tribe, was laughing to herself behind her friend's back, because even though Kerri was obviously upset and offended by the embarrassing situation she'd been in only a few hours before sitting with Sylwia and complaining about it, there was something in Kerri's tone and in the obsessive way she kept mentioning the guy's rippling pectorals that made Sylwia think that on some deep unconscious level, Kerri was developing a quick and painful crush on him.

"I mean, there I was just hanging out at the fucking lake, the one no one ever goes to, and this freak shows up naked pretending he wasn't!"

Sylwia laughed aloud this time.

Jacob was going through a very similar conversation, except he was having it in his head. Though the phenomenally gorgeous male was trying hard to sing songs to himself and repeat words over and over so that his werewolf brethren wouldn't be able to read his mind, there was a moment in which he faltered and thought "I wonder who that girl was."

"What girl?" He heard Paul's voice ask.

"When did you see a girl?" Quil added to Jacob's exhaustion.

"In the six hours we haven't seen you, in which you told us to go fuck ourselves because we were trying to help you get Bella out of your mind, you managed to meet a girl and get so interested in her that you're trying to block us out of your mind?" Embry's comment was the longest and the most unnecessary.

"You know we hear you best when you're freaking out about something," Sam's voice followed with everyone's laughter.

Jacob plopped down on his bed, his perfect nude butt facing this narrator's imagination and not exactly needing to be mentioned, but why not imagine Jake's ass whenever you can?

"Okay, so I met a girl," he admitted telepathically, and added another line to the tally he was keeping on his wall about how many times he's hated being a werewolf. The only good things about it were his ridiculous weave of hair disappearing and being able to kick pretty much everyone's asses, including those of ridiculous sparkling vampires – but let's not put that in his head because I'm tired of writing about him angrily turning into a wolf.

"What's she like?"

"When'd you meet her?"

"How'd you meet?"

"Where the fuck did you go?"

"Can you guys relax and give him one second to answer you?" Sam said in his soft yet authoritative manner, the one that made them all feel comfortable with him as their leader, their Alpha.

"I met her at the lake," he started, though he of course left out the fact that he was naked and she was yelling at him. He focused mostly on describing her. Through her yells he noticed that her mouth was wide and obviously put to good use, you know, her being eloquent and loud. He noticed that though she was obviously also Native American, what with her black hair and similar caramel skin, her skin tone was much lighter and her eyes were dark blue, which was definitely something that didn't occur in his tribe, and neither was the fact that random females were showing up in the lake no one ever went to.

"She sounds kinda hot," Embry said.

"You sound kinda gay," Quil added.

"Boys, boys," Sam stopped them before Paul could butt in with his unappealing two cents. "Our brother finally has a chance to be rid of his negative feelings and his lust for vampire-girl. We should embrace this day."

"Hey, I didn't say I-" and he was going to say "like this girl," but his friends were still bickering in each other's heads, like little old ladies who never had anything better to do with their time. (If only little old ladies were hot young Native American boys with rage issues and therefore obvious sexual dominance. If only.)

Of course he didn't like her. Not yet. He felt scolded by her and slightly afraid of her. Until that moment, he was used to women being either quiet and brooding like She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Who-Is-Fucking-That-Abusive-Piece-Of-Shit, or Emily who was very sadly pathetic because of the scars her somehow not considered abusive lover had given her.

In comparison to how Jacob was feeling about Kerri, Kerri was absolutely loathing Jacob. For the next hour she sat with her best friend, who dreamily watched her beloved friend throwing her arms about and attempting to trash the inside of her RV, Kerri had been yelling obscenities about the boy.

"Maybe we'll see him tonight," Sylwia said with a goofy smile, though somehow men found this undeniably sexy about her.

"Why would you even say that? I don't want to see him tonight!" Kerri sat back down on the RV couch and crossed her arms tightly, while both pouting and looking at Sylwia from over her eyeglasses. "You're stupid. I hate you."

Sylwia, wise beyond her years, and incredibly enjoyable to be around even by loud girls like Kerri (especially by Kerri,) stood up and went to pour two bowls of cereal for herself and her friend. "I think this boy sounds very attractive." She wanted to add "and if this story was about me, I would skip past all of this filler comedy and get to the nitty gritty that the writer wouldn't be embarrassed to write because I'm her Mary Sue" but Sylwia couldn't add that because it would really change the nature of the story. Instead she followed it up with, "and it's about time you sow your wild oats because your betrothal to Ryan of the Pennsylvania tribe is going to turn into a marriage by the end of the year."

Kerri was huffing and puffing and if she was a werewolf like Jacob and not a young girl, there would've been steam rising from her body. She knew Sylwia was right in some sense, that she should've been out there playing the field a little more before her wedding to a man she'd not yet met (though she'll love once she meets because even though this sick fanfiction is about Kerri and Jacob Black, Kerri's love for her current real-life boyfriend is still respected by this strange writer-slash-narrator.)

"I think we're going to go to tonight's welcome bonfire, you're going to find this boy, and you're going to apologize for yelling at him."

"I'm not apologizing to shit! He should apologize to me for being a freak!"

The bonfire was something very rare to occur at the beach. It only happened whenever another tribe was coming to visit for a long amount of time. The Quahana tribe had come by to "enjoy the traditions of another Native American culture so close to their home." In reality, they had come so that the cleverness of their werefoxes would work hand-in-hand with the strength of beastly attractiveness (or attractive beastliness) of the werewolves. Every Native American tribe still functioning in the country had some sort of animal spirit encompassing their young. For the Quahana's it was the fox spirit, and it took over only the foxiest of their girls.

They even called themselves the Foxy Ladies.

"That's a fucking stupid name. I am never going to call myself that," Kerri was in a better mood now, though no matter how she joked with Sylwia, she still would never called herself a Foxy Lady.

Sylwia laughed. Personally, she loved being called one, and she loved actually being one. Unlike Jacob who had so many reasons to hate being a super-hot, giant wolf, and Kerri had so many reasons to hate … everything, Sylwia loved the world and she was a phenomenal addition to this story because of how alarmingly different she and Kerri were, though both just on different spectrums of totally awesome.

"Do you see him yet?" Sylwia nudged Kerri playfully and handed her a gigantic neon pink flask which was so heavy with alcohol (for now) that Kerri had to hold it with both hands and look really stupid doing so.

"OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR HEAD!" Kerri yelled and her dark blue eyes flared while her body started oddly mutating. She turned into an oversized fox and when she did, Sylwia crossed her arms and looked down at her friend.

"Are you happy now?" she asked. "Now we have to walk all of the way back to the RV and get you new clothes."

"Don't talk to me," Kerri would've said if she wasn't now a fox.

"I'm going to pick out a really nice dress for you and I'll meet you back here," Sylwia said and went off quickly, leaving Kerri alone to let off some of her copious amounts of steam.

Kerri hid herself in the nearby bushes, though she hated having to hide her form. She laid herself down and her animal eyes looked wet and sad. She'd been lying to Sylwia for the past few hours, because she forgot to tell Sylwia the most important detail of this day: she'd met Jacob once before.

"Do you see her anywhere?" Kerri heard a voice say more towards the woods than the beach, where most people were frolicking at this point – the teenagers pretending to be sober and the college kids pretending to be drunk.

"Can you guys give it a rest? It's going to be so weird seeing her again," another male said.

When Kerri heard the voices, her animal instinct rose her from her five-minute mope. She moved from the bushes and went straight for ankles, chewing with her dull teeth, teeth she never had to use for biting or eating because she used her human teeth for that.

"What the fuck!" Embry shrieked like a little girl. (His personality ranged from little girl, old biddy, and teenage werewolf, apparently.)

"Holy shit, what is that?" Jacob looked down at Kerri's oversized fox form with wide eyes that held just a glimmer of amusement because anything shutting up Embry was a good thing to him.

"Oh fuck this shit, they're all going down," Kerri thought wildly, not being able to recognize herself anymore and after letting go of Embry, she tried to attack Quil, the boy closest to Embry.

But she heard a snarl that, even in her ridiculous and random rage, scared even her. She let go of Quil's wrist, from which she was flailing as she held tightly onto him and he waved his strong arm about.

There was a gi-fucking-gantic wolf near them, standing next to Paul, Sam, and Jacob, who were trying to calm it down. Kerri ran up the nearest tree and looked down at the crazed creature, letting just the slightest bit of pee leave her. She'd never seen something so strange and enormous – and somehow still a little attractive.

While it seemed like the fox was just hissing at the wolf below her, who was now clawing at the tree she was on, what Kerri meant to portray with her hissing was, "CAN YOU CALM THE FUCK DOWN, I DIDN'T EVEN BITE YOU THAT HARD."

But Embry was livid, and a livid werewolf only feet away from a celebration was not the best thing in the world. Sam, Paul, and Quil turned into wolves as well, and brutally attempted tearing their brother away from his weird dedication to trying to kill a fox much smaller than him, who didn't even tear his skin when it bitterly bit him.

"What a bitch!" Kerri thought.

The four wolves were leaving the tree, and Kerri could finally relax. She was staring down at Jacob, the boy she remembered from earlier, and instead of feeling angry towards him, she felt relieved that he stayed near her during that spectacle.

"I'm sorry about him," he said up to her. "Embry can be a bitch sometimes," he laughed lightly to himself, seeming so collected to her, so unlike the dramatic male she'd just seen flip out.

Jacob opened his arms and smiled up at the fox. "Come down here," he said. "I won't hurt you."

"Yeah right, your friend just turned into a wolf and you want me to trust you," she thought.

Jacob closed his arms and nodded his head. "Yeah, I wouldn't come down either if I were you," he told her, sitting down on a large rock beside the tree. "Truth is, sometimes I wish I could just climb on a tree and get away from everyone's shit sometimes."

Kerri settled herself comfortably in the tree, though she could smell Sylwia nearby looking for her. She prayed to the fox spirit of her tribe that Sylwia not interrupt now, and not just haphazardly carrying clothes with her.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself, moron," Kerri looked down at him, though even when she tried to hate on him, something she excelled at, she still felt a little twinge of something weird, somewhere around the left side of her chest.

Jacob sighed deeply and nodded his head, again. He stood up from where he'd just sat down, which is something that never happens in real life but often happens in my stories, and waved goodbye to the overgrown fox overhead. "Try to be a little nicer," he said to her. "You'll attract more bees with honey, or whatever," he laughed cutely. This narrator wishes his shirt was off so that the stupid things he said wouldn't matter as much, but alas, his shirt was on, and he went over to the bonfire to make sure his brother's were there and okay.

Sylwia walked out from behind a tree, almost creepily, but not as creepy as Edward Cullen always watching Bella sleep, but that's a complaint for another time. She looked up at Kerri, who very quickly scurried down the tree and morphed back into her human form, snatching the clothes from Sylwia's hands and putting them on quicker than she thought she was capable of. The two girls didn't exchange any words, but Sylwia smelled pee somewhere and looked down at the leaves below her to make sure she didn't step in poo.

The two women ventured forth on their journey to drunkenness.

The night was pretty swell for everyone. The boys danced with the really slutty girls from town that crashed the party after midnight when all of the elder and older tribes people left to talk shit about vampires and remember how good life was before they came to town, even though they were obviously way too young to have remembered when the Cullens moved to town.

Jacob was dancing with a girl named Patty Mayonnaise when he locked eyes with Kerri from a distance. Though Kerri had already seen him once in her were-animal form, she was still taken aback by his fantastically beautiful face. She was much more aware of how much he resembled, you know, a truck, with his extremely muscular and hopefully healthily-acquired body (because we all know guys that take steroids can't get a good use out of the only thing any man is good for.)

Jacob had been holding Patty by her butt as they had dry sex on the beach dance floor, but when he saw Kerri, he dropped Patty to the ground. She let out a very loud yelp, which stirred him out of the weird connection he was feeling with the girl who saw him naked a few hours ago. Patty looked pissed, and Jacob apologized from dropping her, but then started walking to Kerri and would be ready to hear all of the rumors Chatty Patty had told others about him. That had been her nickname. He shouldn't thought of that before he danced with her and then dropped her on her ass.

"Clothes on this time?" Kerri said rudely.

"Shit, I wish he didn't have clothes on," Sylwia said, almost falling over herself.

Jacob would've blushed, but he didn't care about the paler girl, just for the purposes of this story because trust me, if this was about her, this would be going in another direction and very quickly.

"You didn't have a chance to explain to me why you were naked at the lake, either," Jacob tried to save himself.

"I don't have to explain myself to you," Kerri crossed her arms. "I wasn't the creepy lurker."

Sylwia laughed obnoxiously. Both Kerri and Jacob wished she wasn't there anymore.

"Have you been to any bonfires before?" He asked her.

What a stupid question, she thought to herself. She wasn't a fucking hermit. Obviously she'd been to a bonfire before. "No, why?"

"They mostly suck," he said, stepping closer to her. "Bad."

Though all of the hatery hate in her body wanted to be mean and cynical, she clenched her lips together and attempted a smile.

And then they fucked behind a crab shack.

No, I'm just playing. I don't have a lot of funny things left to say.

"You know, you looked pretty cool in the lake before," Jacob was severely close to Kerri's face now, which would be great if she hadn't just met him, but this awkward closeness was a little too much for Kerri, especially drunk Kerri.

"Listen, just because you're mind-numbingly hot doesn't mean you can do your little," she not only used her hands but the full lengths of her arms while she spoke to him, waving them about and sometimes diagramming her words, "your little saying weird things randomly shit to sway me."

Jacob didn't understand any of what she'd just said, but he allowed himself to take her hand and started walking away from the bonfire with her.

And Fox Spirit help her, she actually followed.

"No," she said again, "this is not gonna happen."

Jacob turned his head once to look at her and he had to make it a double take. They both stopped walking and Kerri had been completely asleep, still on her feet.

"Um, lake girl?" Jacob asked, shaking her by her shoulders lightly as to not hurt her with his badass wolf strength.

"What?!" she waved both her arms and simultaneously back-handed him and hit him in his Godly, chiseled chest (though, yes, it was still covered with a shirt.)

"Maybe wake up from sleeping while standing? I want to take you somewhere," he said.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" She yelled and took a very long pause with her mouth open in the shape of an O, to follow up what she said with the sad sentence, "I have to go to the bathroom," and pushing him aside to walk into the woods and attempt to pee drunkenly.

Jake stood there awkwardly, because that's the best word for anything that goes on in this story, and waited for her. It took her almost forty-five minutes to come back out and when she did, she passed him by like she'd never seen him before, though still giving him a "what are you looking at?" look.

"What's your name, lake girl?"

"You talk so much!" She said loudly, and stepped close to him, tapping his lips very unsexily with her fingers. "I wish you wouldn't talk because," she hiccupped, "because you're so pretty and probably really stupid."

(Back at the bonfire, Sylwia was making out with some really, really hot guy. A clean one. Who respected her. Just a bonus side story.)

Jacob laughed and now the girl he feared for a majority of the day had looked very cute to him. She was laughing hysterically into his chest when he felt her hand sliding under his shirt and feeling his Greek-God-statue abs.

"Are you feeling me up, lake girl?" he attempted to flirt, smirking kind of weirdly.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT, I HAVE A NAME!" She slurred back and spit up on herself a little, her face still buried in him, and her hands starting to wander. Who's creepy now, Jacob would've thought if he was clever enough.

"What's your name?" he tried to be seductive, and it sounded that way to Kerri because she was so drunk.

"Why don't, why, why don't you tell me YOUR name, lurker smirker guy?" She laughed a lot. He wondered why she seemed to like his abs so much when there was something much more enjoyable a little down south.

"Ooohhh," Kerri said, and threw in some random "oh baby"s.

Jacob blatantly laughed, and he did it hard. He felt so uncomfortable and so out of his element. He'd spent his first months as an attractive male with a good for nothing vampire fucker, so he had no idea what he was trying to do anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Twilight or Jacob or anything like that. I don't even own Kerri. She's a friend of mine. I do own Sylwia, though, because she's the Native American version of me and that's awesome.

This is meant to be funny.

It was morning when they woke. Kerri first notice the arm on her body that didn't belong to her and then after that noticed that she was still in the woods. If this was a realistic story she would've been panicking about her grandmother being pissed as fuck with her, but it wasn't, so instead she worried nobly about the well-being of her best friend.

She kicked the guy laying next to her with the heel of her foot. She felt all around her dress to make sure she didn't feel any bruises on herself. She didn't. She also checked to see if her underwear was still on. It was. Not that the gorgeous specimen next to her was a bad sight to wake up next to, even if it was in a weird and soggy forest.

"I have to go," she told him.

He groaned. Jacob looked very adorable in the morning, his sweet face nestling into Kerri's now messy and somehow more attractive this way hair. If Kerri wasn't already dedicated to getting to the RV to shower and sleep comfortable, she may have possibly noticed a little bit of how cute he was. But she didn't. She kicked him harder this time and shot up from the ground.

Except her hangover seemed to have been waiting there and made her fall back over. Karma's a bitch.

Jacob groaned a little less adorable this time and squinted both of his somewhat already squinty eyes. "Okay, okay," he said with a cough. "I'll walk you," he got up from the ground, covered in the mud of the forest floor just like she was.

"I can walk myself, I'm not a child," she protested.

He snapped right back at her, a taste of her own medicine: "can you chill out and let me do something nice for you?"

She moved her head so that her chin touched her chest. She pouted, and then straightened back up. "Whatever! You can walk me, if it means that much to you. Jesus."

"What do you know about Jesus? I thought you were Quahana."

"I am Quahana, what's with asking so many questions all of the time!?"

"What's with falling asleep on the forest with a guy whose name you still don't know?" He said back with a smile, putting both arms around her and kissing her on her forehead as a hello, even though, I assure you, they didn't make out the night before, or do much of anything. Kerri had started hitting him so he pretended to pass out as a joke, and she drunkenly laid down next to him, and he just let it happen because she was too difficult to deal with, and that was why they woke up in the woods, though don't you wish the story was just a little juicer or made more sense since I don't think I mentioned Jacob drinking and why would a sober guy who was seemingly trying to get laid go to sleep in the woods? Even if he did emit warmth.

"What is your name, then?" She said, pretending to still be upset with him, though other than walking in on her when she was naked in a lake, he hadn't really done much of anything else wrong.

"It's Jacob Black," he told her.

He jaw dropped and she stopped in her tracks. The Jacob Black? The sad kid who fell in love with a vampire lover? Kerri felt disgusted, and her facial expression, well, expressed that.

"You've heard of me?" he asked, though he didn't understand what could warrant such a reaction from someone.

"Yeah, and it wasn't good," she admitted and took a few steps away from him. She wasn't sure if humans could pass of vampire diseases onto werewolves.

Jacob was getting angry, though he tried to keep himself composed. All of a sudden his mind was racing with one word. It was a word that meant pretty but represented a girl with a truly ugly personality.

"I heard you like a vampire-fucker," she said, still the same amount disgusted.

Jacob angrily put his hands on his shirts, and with one quick tug, he ripped it to shreds and off of himself. If he wasn't so angry, he would've felt stupid for doing that.

But that was enough to change the tone between them. Kerri was hungover and therefore no matter how nasty she wanted to be, she was still taken aback by the non-sparkling and superbly beautiful sets of muscles that encompassed his body from waist to chin.

"I-I-" Kerri attempted to cover up her meanness so that the now much more enjoyable Jacob wouldn't be mad with her.

"Fuck this," he said, though it was probably the third time in his life that he'd ever cursed, and it showed, and tried to turn around to start walking away.

"No, wait!" Kerri said. If she was going to sow her oats, by Fox Spirit, it would be with this alarmingly good-looking boy.

"What?!" he yelled back at her.

"Come back," she ordered.

If he had a door to slam, he would've, and he would've slammed it hard and though she would've known he wouldn't hurt her, she'd like the thrill of being just the slightest bit scared of him. Now if only she had some sort of gag to put in his mouth.

"What?" he asked, having returned to her, snarling with rage.

She kissed him. And though he was obviously not very skilled at doing it back, it felt very, very good to be picked up off the floor in his strong arms.

"What's going on?" was the dumbest question he couldn't asked at the moment, she considered, though then she decided there were probably plenty of dumber things he could've said.

"Whatever, shut up!" she yelled at him.

And then he took off the rest of his clothes and they had vicious, hour-long deflowering sex that ended with both of them seeing new colors in the world and walking around kind of funny for the days following that one.

The end.


End file.
